Traffic cop quotes

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”

Best excuse ever for fishing without a license

The fishing season hasn’t opened and a fisherman who doesn’t have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks, “Any luck?”

“Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday” he boasts.

“Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?” asks the stranger.

“Nope.”

“Well, meet the new game warden.”

“Oh,” gulped the fisherman. “Well, do you know who I am?”

“Nope”

“Meet the biggest liar in the state.”

Drunken Irishman

drunken irishman

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and his car is weaving all over the road.

A police officer finally spots the car and pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where might you have you been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunken Irishman.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few too many pints of ale this evening”.

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a big grin.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few blocks back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunken Irishman. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”