Office Christmas Party

beautiful girl at office Christmas party

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange – no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis – Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis – Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people – nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus at the office Christmas party! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”
Patty Lewis – Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians – I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold the office Christmas party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!

December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our office Christmas party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director

 

Ten Rules of Bureaucracy

rules of bureaucracy

  1. Preserve thyself.
  2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
  3. A penny saved is an oversight.
  4. Information deteriorates upward.
  5. The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
  6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
  7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
  8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
  9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
  10. There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.

What Is Your Name?

worker named darling
photo credit: Valeriy Osipov

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

“What is your name?” he asked the worker.

“John,” the newly hired man replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name.

“It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

“I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all.

“I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

“Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The shy worker sighed, “Darling, John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “