What happens when film producer loses his arm?

film producer rolexA film producer parks his brand new Porsche Carerra Cabriolet, and just as he swings the door open to get out, a truck speeds by and completely tears it off.

The producer, ready to kill, grabs his cell phone, dials his assistant and tells her to dial 911 immediately.

Soon a cop pulls up, but before he can begin to speak, the producer starts screaming hysterically – his car, a work of art, which he just picked up, was completely ruined, would never be the same, reduced to junk, he can’t drive around in a piece of junk, does the cop have any idea who he is – and then the producer proceeds to list his credits, exaggerating the grosses a little.

The cop calmly listens until the producer runs out of steam, then shaking his head says, “I can’t believe how materialistic you movie people are. You’re all so focused on your precious possessions that you notice nothing else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” fires back the insulted producer.

The cop replies, “Did you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?”

“Damn!!!!!” screams the producer. “My Rolex!”

Stock Market News Today

photo credit: mkhmarketing
photo credit: mkhmarketing

In case you missed it, in the stock market today:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Johnny Outsmarts His Friends

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market.

The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — he said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I have got $20!”