Day After Christmas

after Christmas

Poem for the day after Christmas

Remorseful poem on when all hope seems lost to shed the pounds gained during a Christmas binge.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can:
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So – away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.”

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Shocking Vegetarian Meal

The Vegetarian Society of Kansas never ate pork in his life, but always wanted to see how it tasted.

The urge was so great he invented a story about going out-of-town on an urgent business matter.

Once he left town he found a famous pork house noted for its gourmet pork dishes, feeling assured he will never be spotted.

cute cartoon of pig
Pre-Roasted Piggie

Discretely he picked a far corner to order his once-in-a-lifetime treat.

Looking over the menu, he ordered the house special of a roasted pig with all the trimmings.

So he was finally going to find out what all this fuss was about the delicacy of pork meals.

While waiting for his meal to be served, he heard someone familiar call out his name, and got caught totally by surprise when one of his society buddies came over to greet him.

As they were talking the waiter delivered a huge platter of a roasted pig complete with an apple in it’s mouth.

“That’s really an outrageous shock,” said the guilty chairman.

“I simply ordered an apple meal, and look what they brought with it.”