Day After Christmas

after Christmas

Poem for the day after Christmas

Remorseful poem on when all hope seems lost to shed the pounds gained during a Christmas binge.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can:
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So – away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.”

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Early exit at the family Thanksgiving dinner

thanksgiving dinner20 funny excuses for an early exit from the dreaded boring Thanksgiving dinner with the family.

  1. Remind your 12-year old brother or sister that you left those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.
  2. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.
  3. Open the oven, shove hunks of cheddar cheese into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
  4. Shoot olive pits at Grampa’s glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)
  5. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud “BUZZ”ing noise.
  6. When it’s your turn to state what you are thankful for, say “latex sheets and lard.”
  7. Bring along old recorded football games and put them in the DVD when Dad’s not looking.
  8. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
  9. Sit at the “children’s table” and lecture them on just the world needs to increase the teenage pregnancy population.
  10. Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
  11. As the family is being seated, shout, “Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you all my private-part piercings I got on Halloween!!”
  12. Hold your nose while you eat.
  13. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
  14. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice. You worried for nothing”.
  15. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that you’ve got a new fear of choking.
  16. When you arrive, promise that your date won’t be more than an hour late, since he or she has to wait a little longer for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms.
  17. During dinner, ask your brother if his girlfriend solved that little “dead rabbit” problem.
  18. Turn to dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.
  19. Promise that the winner of the “wishbone tug” gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)
  20. Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, “THE SAFETY IS ON” while you hold your pocket.