You are from the South if you believe this

southern moonshine

  1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  3. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
  4. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  5. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
  6. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”
  7. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  8. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  9. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”
  10. You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’
  11. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  12. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
  13. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
  14. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
  15. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
  16. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it’s wheels.
  17. You take a six-pack cooler to church.
  18. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
  19. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  20. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  21. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  22. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  23. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  24. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  25. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.
  26. You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.
  27. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  28. Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”
  29. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Nutrition And Nationality

Here’s the final word on nutrition and nationality.

It’s a relief to know after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Love American Style

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight.

After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night, I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” he replied.

“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“Don’t stop.”