You Have Two Cows – Then What?

Satire on how cultures treat cows around the world.

The two cows question

DUBAI SYSTEM
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resale the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Ryan Gosling to milk the cow first to attract attention.

QATAR SYSTEM
You have two cows. They’ve been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

SAUDI SYSTEM
Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov’t decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows … the debate is still going on.

BAHRAIN SYSTEM
You have two cows. Some high Gov’t official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov’t tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov’t and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment.

EGYPTIAN SYSTEM
You have two cows. Both are voting for el-Sisi.

AMERICAN SYSTEM
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

FRENCH SYSTEM
You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows.

RUSSIAN SYSTEM
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

BRITISH SYSTEM
You have two cows. Both are mad.

OTHER SYSTEMS
Contribute on how other systems would treat two cows.

A Fly In The Beer

Three men find a fly in their beer. Which one gets angry – is it the Englishman, Scotsman, or Irishman?

Irishman walks out of bar

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU CREEP!!!!”

You are from the South if you believe this

southern moonshine

  1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  3. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
  4. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  5. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
  6. Jack Daniels makes your list of “Most Admired People.”
  7. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  8. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  9. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”
  10. You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’
  11. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
  12. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
  13. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
  14. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.
  15. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
  16. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it’s wheels.
  17. You take a six-pack cooler to church.
  18. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
  19. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  20. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
  21. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
  22. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
  23. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
  24. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
  25. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law against it.
  26. You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.
  27. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  28. Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”
  29. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.