18 Funny New Year’s Resolutions

new year eve champagne

A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Anonymous

This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
– Melanie White

Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
– Jay Leno

My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
– Melanie White

Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
– Jake Vig

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
– Bridger Winegar

I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.
– Melanie White

Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
– Melanie White

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
– Bill Vaughan

This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
– Melanie White

May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight.
– Damien Fahey

Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
– Just Bill

My New Years resolution is to try to remember why I’ve walked into a room.
– Rodney Lacroix

I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.
– John Lyon

My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
– Melanie White

Miami asks residents not to celebrate New Year by shooting into the air, because the bullets will come back down.
– Dave Barry

As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
– Dave Barry

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
– Joey Adams

Irishman celebrates impending doom in a pub?

beers in a barAn Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve got some bad news for you … you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live. I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS.”

Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer, Son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Drunk says strange thing in confession box

confessional-box

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall of the confession box three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”