New Word Definitions


Invented English New Words

  • Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  • Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
  • Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  • Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Dating Definitions

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT….. what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING….. the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL….. avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY….. a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT….. a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND….. a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE….. a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be “playing hard to get”.

INTERESTING….. a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT….. what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY….. how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC….. a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER….. condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Alternative Word Definitions

Humorous definitions for common words.

  • coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
  • flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  • abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • willy-nilly, (adj.) impotent.
  • negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  • lymph, (v.) to waslk with a lisp.
  • gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
  • flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  • balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
  • testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
  • rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  • pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
  • oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  • Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  • circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.