This Watch Can Predict Events One Hour In The Future

Extreme come-on line in a bar to a hot woman.

A cocky pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a quite beautiful brunette.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The gorgeous gal notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The beautiful brunette says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

She then replies, “Oh, really? What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

“The hot lady giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!”

The pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast!”

The Way to a Woman’s Heart Is Through Her Cat

Rules to follow when dating a female who owns a cat.

Cat rules for dating

So, you’re dating a woman who shares her residence with a cat. For your relationship to go going to get anywhere, I encourage you to follow each of these nine suggestions:

1. Never, ever mention that you can (or can’t) smell the litter box.

2. If the kitten wants to spend an hour untying your shoelace, let him. When he gets it untied, retie it so he can continue playing.

3. Never make a big show of brushing the cat fur from your slacks.

4. Get in the habit of putting a couple of sardines in your pocket. Slip them to the cat when she isn’t watching (Note: you may have to do this through the entire dating period, because the cat will likely go for your pocket each time you visit).

5. Don’t push the cat off the sofa if he’s inserted himself between the two of you. If he’s still sitting between the two of you when you get amorous, reassure him (mental telepathy is fine) that you have no harmful intentions against his companion, and move him gently to your lap. Try to keep one hand stroking the cat at all times in this situation.

6. If you’re spending the night, do yourself a favor and don’t even TRY to sleep in the cat’s favorite spot on the bed.

7. When you phone her, ask about her cat.

8. When she leaves the room to fix cocktails or check on dinner, ask her if she’s got a cat toy handy so you can keep the cat entertained.

9. If you’re taking her out to dinner, ask her if it’s okay to bring home a “cat bag” of leftovers for the cat.

44 Things not to say on a first date

first date table

  1. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”
  2. “Show me how you used to spank her.”
  3. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”
  4. “I just got my license today.”
  5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature.”
  6. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”
  7. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”
  8. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.”
  9. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?”
  10. “Ok, you gotta be quiet or my roommate will hear. He doesn’t know I’m cheating on him!”
  11. “Thanks for having sex with me. I’ve really been down since I found out my girlfriend gave me Hepatitis.”
  12. “I would never hit a girl, I hear it ruins the fun to do that before you’re married”
  13. “I guess I can be kind of a jerk sometimes.”
  14. “You’re not the type of person I usually go for.”
  15. “Do you want to go to a strip club?”
  16. “So, are you smart?”
  17. “Do you mind if my friend stops by?”
  18. “I’m thinking of moving. I just can’t sit still.”
  19. “So, you just don’t have any hobbies?”
  20. “How’s [the online dating website you met on] going for you?”
  21. “So was I an accidental right swipe?”
  22. “So, are you bi? ‘Cause those glasses are giving you away.”
  23. “You’re kind of eating a lot.”
  24. “So, how long have you been single for?”
  25. “Look, I’m all for gender equality, as long as women know their place.”
  26. “It sounds like you don’t really have fun.”
  27. “My ex always used to say…”
  28. “So, do you go on a lot of dates?”
  29. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”
  30. “I met my last girlfriend while I was hanging out in the undergraduate library trying to meet girls.”
  31. “I’m not looking for anything serious.”
  32. “Is your friend from your profile picture single?”
  33. “I don’t really know how to watch my tone.”
  34. “This wasn’t a good idea. I think I’m just going to go.”
  35. “Can I look through your diary?”
  36. “We should definitely travel together.”
  37. “Sorry I’m late, I just came from this cool art thing. You probably haven’t heard of it.”
  38. “I just had a burrito.”
  39. “I don’t like burritos.”
  40. “You’re not one of THOSE feminists are you?”
  41. “Not to sound sexiest or anything but…”
  42. “Have you ever thought of losing a few pounds?”
  43. “I’m about to go on a trip for the next six months.”
  44. “So, how do you think that went?”