Police Evidence Locker Room

police evidence lockers

How safe are police evidence lockers?

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial.

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a police evidence locker room in the station: somewhere you can also change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to have a lock in the police evidence locker room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

Funny courtroom testimony

courtroom testimony

Courtroom testimony you will not believe.

The following courtroom testimony is too funny to be true.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Jones?
A. Well, a woman down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Jones, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months October 10th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was July 10th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Thomas, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentative and he couldn’t pronounce his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Adams, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Larry, all your responses must be oral. What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on date of the incident?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on, what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that idiot – and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been from childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know of.

Q. (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Traffic Ticket Lawyer

What not to ask in court about a speeding ticket. State trooper describes speeder as AH on speeding ticket.

A Connecticut State trooper stops a man for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the trooper.

The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the trooper calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The “motorist” instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the trooper’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The trooper, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the trooper saying anything.

When he finishes writing the citation he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation.

He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.

The trooper then removes his sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember you’re an AssHole!”

Three months later they are in court.

The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.

On the stand the trooper testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks “Trooper, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?”

Trooper responds, “Yes sir, this is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”

Attorney: “Trooper, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don’t normally make?”

Trooper: “Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH”, underlined.”

Attorney: “What does the AH stand for, trooper?”

Trooper: “Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.”

Attorney: “Aggressive and Hostile?”

Trooper: “Yes Sir.”

Attorney: “Trooper, are you sure it doesn’t stand for AssHole?”

Trooper: “Well Sir, You know your client better than I do.”