Impersonal acceptance from a college

college-students

Who says that students who go to big colleges get treated impersonally, like they’re just numbers? Norris Dawson (names changed to protect the innocent) for one.

The parents of Dawson, a prospective Anonymous State University student, recently got a letter from the school that began:

“Congratulations on 999-00-9999’s admission.” (The number used in this story has been changed.) The letter, addressed to Norris’ father, Jeff Dawson, added that as a parent “you will be a partner with the university in encouraging 999-00-9999 to succeed.”

The father’s reply: “Thank you for offering our son, 999-00-9999, or as we affectionately refer to him around the house _ 999 _ a position in the ASU class of 2020. His mother, 001-22-4MOM, and I are very happy… .”

Peter Smith, director of undergraduate admissions, said the impersonal letter was a glitch in a batch of several thousand letters sent to prospective students.

In the first five, the computer picked up the student’s Social Security number instead of the name. Those were planned to be discarded but inadvertently were mailed, Smith said.

“We don’t know how it happened.” he said. The mother of at least one other prospective student informed the school that she’d received such a letter, said Smith. He could not recall her name.

Photo credit: Pixabay

Unwritten ways to thrive in college

students in class

Unwritten ways to thrive in college

Depends on how you define “thrive”

Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

Enjoy being a sophomore: it will be the best three years of your life.

Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into a lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business.

If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

Boring lecture? Bring your headsets.

College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

“I Phelta Thi” is not a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

Football games were never meant to be attended in a sober frame of mind.

Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor – think of it as “acing biology.”

In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

Of course, your parents may not believe this is the right way to thrive in college, because a job will not await you if you follow this guideline.

That is, even if you finish college at all like Bill Gates or Richard Branson.

Caught Cheating

Where To Hide Answers

woman hiding answers in her bra
Down camera angle shows a buxom young lady caught cheating on an exam in class.

Avoid being publicly caught cheating in the classroom with these methods.

Some rules for idiots who want to cheat on classroom exams regardless of the huge risks they take.

You have been warned!

Rule 1

Decide which type of cheating is the most suited to your style

Using a cheat-sheet
Partner cheating
Hard to prove cheating
Not cheating at all

Rule 2

Don’t get caught
Cheating only helps if you can get away with it. Follow some of the basic rules below to avoid getting caught.

Rule 3

Don’t look suspicious
It’s important to strike a balance between effectively getting your answers and not making it obvious. Do this by behaving in a calm manner without appearing nervous. If you must look around, never hold your gaze in one place for longer than five to ten seconds. Switch it up by randomly staring in other directions, so the testers won’t get too suspicious and find out where your¬† cheat sheet is.

Rule 4

Don’t aim too high
It’s not impossible to cheat your way into a perfect score, but if everyone is getting poor grades on the exam, you will draw attention to yourself by acing the test. Deliberately miss a few questions to avoid suspicion.

Rule 5

Dispose of the evidence
As soon as the test is over ask to go to the bathroom (if you haven’t already gone) to wash off or throw away any evidence of cheating. The longer you hold on to something, then chances are someone¬† will notice you cheating.

Rule 6

Start by getting all the information together.
This means formulas, key words, vocabulary, dates, definitions, names, etc.

Rule 7

Write or print the information correctly
The writing should always be clear to read. While you would want to include as much as possible on the small sheet of paper, if the type is too small you will look at your crib-sheet too long and increase your chances of getting caught. As a precaution print out your cheat-sheet to reduce the chances of your teacher or professor being able to trace it back to you.

Rule 7

Decide where to place the answers
Here are some of less obvious places to stash your answers during the exam.

  • Body Part
    Instead of printing out the answers on a piece of paper, write them on a part of your body. Good places include your forearm if you are a man or your upper thigh if you are a woman. These work because you can wear a dress or long sleeve shirt to cover up your cheat sheet when you aren’t using it. Of course it’s important to not make it obvious that there is writing on your body and put the words in a place that faces you only.
  • Water-Bottle
    Print out the answers on a colored piece of paper that matches that label of your water bottle. Paste it on the label and turn it so that it only faces you.
  • Binders
    If you have a binder that has a clear slot in the front, slide your cheat sheet into there. Move your binder from under your desk to the slide of your desk to peek at your cheat sheet.
  • Calculators
    Use this only during math exam, because that’s when you can have a calculator without appearing suspicious. Slide formulas or information terms between the back of the calculator and the calculator’s cover.
  • Stashed Away
    Hide a crib-sheet in a separate place all together to avoid having it traced back to you. This includes on a bulletin board in the classroom, in a bathroom stall or on someone’s chair.
Rule 8

For peeking-partner cheating
Seat yourself behind someone who will do well on the test (either bragged about studying or is a master in the subject). Adjust yourself so that you are on the furthest left or right on your seat facing diagonally towards his or her desk, this should allow you to look over their shoulder without having to move your head too much. Never choose a student in the center of the classroom or in the front as this makes it more likely that your teacher will notice you looking over their shoulder.

Rule 9

For signing-partner cheating
Create a system of signing with a fellow student in the class. This is will double your knowledge of the subject because you can work together to sign answers to each other. On multiple choice exams: Establish hand or foot tapping signals for A, B, C, D, E and “wrong answer.” By creating a signal for “wrong answer” you are going to improve the likelihood of you both doing well on the test by helping each other eliminate wrong answers. Also create a vocal noise for getting their attention that isn’t suspicious (like a cough, or foot tap).

Rule 10

Get the “Instructor’s Edition” version of your Textbook
For professors who use ready-made quizzes from their “instructor’s edition” textbooks, purchase a copy. Find the correct edition of the book online and buy it. Before a quiz memorize the answers to the questions. This method is good for entry level science, foreign language and/or history classes that pull their quizzes straight from the book.

Rule 11

Get an “Advanced/Old Copy” of the test
This can be done by talking to an old student or by talking to other students who might have connections in the class. Study straight from the exam, or if you suspect that the exam will be the same, study the answers straight.

Rule 12

Comeback Later
If you know a professor or teacher will let you come back to finish a test, purposefully don’t finish the exam and ask to comeback on a later date. Make sure to memorize the topics or questions so that you can look up the answers before finishing the test later. Claim to be sick, go to the bathroom towards the end of the exam until its over, or pace yourself slowly. Be sure that your professor will let you come back before using this method as you could actually do worse if he/she doesn’t let you finish.

Rule 13

Bring Your Pencil
As you turn in your exam, if your professor isn’t at her/his desk, use a pencil you brought up with you to change or write in answers from the test at the top of the pile. (This is a high risk!)

Rule 14

If you don’t want to take the risks of cheating
Cram the last minute
By spending the few minutes before an exam skimming over your notes or studying, you have a shot at being able to do well without cheating.
For essays, remember key words
Usually professors or teachers have “key words” that they are looking for in an essay. This means that the actual “fluff” of the essay is less important. If you know the topic or possible topics of an essay question, memorize four to five terms you know your professor will be looking for, instead of having to study everything.
For math exams, memorize formulas.
Knowing a formula can be more powerful that spending hours doing practice problems. Write down a formula enough times to memorize it and then you can apply it to the problems in the test.
For multiple choice exams, “group” the information you know will be on the test.
Instead of memorizing a list of all the words in one chunk, break them down into easier-to-remember smaller bite-size pieces. So in preparing for a history test, instead of remembering the names “Jefferson, Hamilton, Franklin, Washington, Grant, Lincoln, and Lee” in one long line, split them into sections like “4 of the founding fathers were Franklin, Washington, Jefferson and Hamilton” and “3 Civil War leaders were Lee, Lincoln, Grant.”

Adapted from Wiki-How’s How to Cheat On a Test