Impersonal acceptance from a college


Who says that students who go to big colleges get treated impersonally, like they’re just numbers? Norris Dawson (names changed to protect the innocent) for one.

The parents of Dawson, a prospective Anonymous State University student, recently got a letter from the school that began:

“Congratulations on 999-00-9999’s admission.” (The number used in this story has been changed.) The letter, addressed to Norris’ father, Jeff Dawson, added that as a parent “you will be a partner with the university in encouraging 999-00-9999 to succeed.”

The father’s reply: “Thank you for offering our son, 999-00-9999, or as we affectionately refer to him around the house _ 999 _ a position in the ASU class of 2020. His mother, 001-22-4MOM, and I are very happy… .”

Peter Smith, director of undergraduate admissions, said the impersonal letter was a glitch in a batch of several thousand letters sent to prospective students.

In the first five, the computer picked up the student’s Social Security number instead of the name. Those were planned to be discarded but inadvertently were mailed, Smith said.

“We don’t know how it happened.” he said. The mother of at least one other prospective student informed the school that she’d received such a letter, said Smith. He could not recall her name.

Photo credit: Pixabay

Unwritten ways to thrive in college

students in class

Unwritten ways to thrive in college

Depends on how you define “thrive”

Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

Enjoy being a sophomore: it will be the best three years of your life.

Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into a lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business.

If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

Boring lecture? Bring your headsets.

College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

“I Phelta Thi” is not a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

Football games were never meant to be attended in a sober frame of mind.

Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor – think of it as “acing biology.”

In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

Of course, your parents may not believe this is the right way to thrive in college, because a job will not await you if you follow this guideline.

That is, even if you finish college at all like Bill Gates or Richard Branson.