Cat Laws Of Physics

32 laws of phsics as applied to cats.

cat lying down
32 laws of cat physics
  1. Law of Cat Inertia:
    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
  2. Law of Cat Motion:
    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
  3. Law of Cat Magnetism:
    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
  4. Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
  5. Law of Cat Stretching:
    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
  6. Law of Cat Sleeping:
    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
  7. Law of Cat Elongation:
    A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
  8. Law of Cat Acceleration:
    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
  9. Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
  10. Law of Rug Configuration:
    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
  11. Law of Obedience Resistance:
    A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
  12. First Law of Energy Conservation:
    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, t herefore, use as little energy as possible.
  13. Second Law of Energy Conservation:
    Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
  14. Law of Refrigerator Observation:
    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
  15. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
  16. Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
  17. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
  18. Law of Cat Embarrassment:
    A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
  19. Law of Milk Consumption:
    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
  20. Law of Furniture Replacement:
    A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of t he furniture.
  21. Law of Cat Landing:
    A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
  22. Law of Fluid Displacement:
    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
  23. Law of Cat Disinterest:
    A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
  24. Law of Pill Rejection:
    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
  25. Law of Cat Composition:
    A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
  26. Law of Selective Listening:
    Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.
  27. Law of Equidistant Separation:
    All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
  28. Law of Cat Invisibility:
    Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.
  29. Law of Space-Time Continuum:
    Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
  30. Law of Concentration of Mass:
    A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
  31. Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle):
    It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she “might” be.
  32. Law of Cat Obedience:
    As yet undiscovered.

The Way to a Woman’s Heart Is Through Her Cat

Rules to follow when dating a female who owns a cat.

Cat rules for dating

So, you’re dating a woman who shares her residence with a cat. For your relationship to go going to get anywhere, I encourage you to follow each of these nine suggestions:

1. Never, ever mention that you can (or can’t) smell the litter box.

2. If the kitten wants to spend an hour untying your shoelace, let him. When he gets it untied, retie it so he can continue playing.

3. Never make a big show of brushing the cat fur from your slacks.

4. Get in the habit of putting a couple of sardines in your pocket. Slip them to the cat when she isn’t watching (Note: you may have to do this through the entire dating period, because the cat will likely go for your pocket each time you visit).

5. Don’t push the cat off the sofa if he’s inserted himself between the two of you. If he’s still sitting between the two of you when you get amorous, reassure him (mental telepathy is fine) that you have no harmful intentions against his companion, and move him gently to your lap. Try to keep one hand stroking the cat at all times in this situation.

6. If you’re spending the night, do yourself a favor and don’t even TRY to sleep in the cat’s favorite spot on the bed.

7. When you phone her, ask about her cat.

8. When she leaves the room to fix cocktails or check on dinner, ask her if she’s got a cat toy handy so you can keep the cat entertained.

9. If you’re taking her out to dinner, ask her if it’s okay to bring home a “cat bag” of leftovers for the cat.

Chasing The Cat

What not say as an excuse. Man manhandles his pet cat.

chasing the catA couple were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.

They turned on the night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They called the local cab company to request a taxi.

The taxi arrived and they opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat they put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

The cat shouldn’t be shut in the house because it always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi, while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with him in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

She explains to the taxi driver that the husband will be out soon: “He’s just going upstairs to say good night to my mother.”

A few minutes later, when the husband gets into the cab he says:

“Sorry I took so long.

That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.

I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.

Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.