25 excuses to serve alcohol at work

Need an excuse to serve alcohol at work?
Here are 25 of them

  1. It’s an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages car pooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

13 Additional Warning Labels On Bottles of Alcohol

  1. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
  3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  6. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
  7. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
  8. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  9. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  10. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  12. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear”.
  13. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Rate your hangover from 1 to 6 stars

1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.

2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.

3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl/guy walks by you gag because her perfume/his cologne reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the cartoon network. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of coke-yet you haven’t peed once.

4 star hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that guys, you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, and girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, ’76.

5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.

6 star hangover
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you looked at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning — You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights: some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Ready to Rock” faintly atop your forehead — that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds As you crawl to your closet to get dressed, you swear off any and all alcoholic drinks and promise God that you’ll never set foot in a bar again.