Drunk Tries To Find Jesus

Preacher attempts to have a drunk find Jesus by dunking him in a river.

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He walks down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!”

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

“Have you found Jesus?” he asked.

“Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!” says the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!” he slurs.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for a least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus YET?”

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “No, are really you sure this is where he fell in?”

25 excuses to serve alcohol at work

Need an excuse to serve alcohol at work?
Here are 25 of them

  1. It’s an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages car pooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

13 Additional Warning Labels On Bottles of Alcohol

  1. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
  3. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  6. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
  7. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
  8. Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  9. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  10. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  12. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear”.
  13. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.