Banned Confucius sayings in fortune cookies.
Confucius say… Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Confucius say… Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius say… Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Confucius say… Girl who sits on jockey’s lap get hot tip.
Confucius say… Girl who sits on judge’s lap gets honorable discharge.
Confucius say… He who fishes in others’ holes often catches crabs.
Confucius say… He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Confucius say… He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say… He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius say… Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say… Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say… Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Confucius say… Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius say… Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Confucius say… Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Confucius say… Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.
Humorous solutions to everyday problems.
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”
My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when we get home.”
And my all time favorite thing – JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU—then you’ll see what it’s like.”