14 Life Lessons My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”

My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

And my all time favorite thing – JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU—then you’ll see what it’s like.”

32 auto insurance claims guaranteed to fail

auto bike accidentA guide on what not to write on your auto insurance claim forms.

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I pulled into a rest stop with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Take a bus?

An auto insurance company customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q – What warning was given by you?
A – Horn
Q – What warning was given by the other party?
A – Mooo.

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a pole.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn’t when I put my head through it

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

Story of the Bull and the Turkey

A turkey was complaining to the bull:” I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.

“They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after the third day of eating dung, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.