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Report Card Comments

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

I would not allow this student to breed.

It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

This child has been working with glue too much.

When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.