One-Line Jokes

• The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
  George Carlin
• Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
  Roseanne
• Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
  Billy Crystal
• I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
  Larry Miller
• You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
  Dave Barry
• According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
  Jay Leno
• I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
  Bill Cosby
• In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
  Jay Leno
• My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
  Tim Allen
• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
  Phyllis Diller
• There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
  Jay Leno
• When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
  Elayne Boosler
• The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.
  Conan O'Brien
• There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
  Jerry Seinfield
• Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
  Tim Allen
• You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
  Joan Rivers
• A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes.So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers!
  Jay Leno
• Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
  Tim Allen
• Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in.
  Rita Rudner
• If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  George Carlin
• That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
  Bill Cosby
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
  Zsa Zsa Gabor
• When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
  Steven Wright
• After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
  Gary Shandling
• Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
  Lewis Grizzard
• The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
  Jeff Foxworthy