A Dog's Resolutions

• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
• I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her bottom.
• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorraging.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV
• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration