Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.


• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.


• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.


• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.


• If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.


• If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.