Medical One-Line Jokes

Witty one-line jokes for your friends.

Today 4 out of 5 doctors recommend another doctor.

I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn’t even want to talk to.

New pill to increase virility. It backfired and I got hemorrhoids.

It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research. Every day they discover something else that causes it.

Some doctors help you out. After the exam a doctor explained his prescription: Take green pill with a glass of water after getting up. Take blue pill with glass of water after lunch. Just before bed take red pill with another glass of water.
Doctor just what’s wrong with me?
You’re not getting enough water.

We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5 milligrams of Valium.

My mom takes so many Iron tablets the only time she feels good is when she’s facing magnetic north. My brothers are fighting over her mineral rights.

A young housewife asked her friend, “What is that you’re taking – the pill?”
“No it’s a tranquilizer. I forgot to take the pill.”

Medicine the only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for it’s own existence. — James Bryce

Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into human beings of whom they know nothing.
— Voltaire

Do your drug experimenting on politicians.

Miracle drug — Anything that will do 25% as much as the label says.

Miracle drug — Anything the kids will take without screaming.

The doctor used so many medicines he didn’t know which one worked.

An apple a day won’t do it!!!

At the psychiatrists office a homely woman came in depressed. “I’m lonely. I have no friends. Doctor can you help me accept my ugliness?” The psychiatrist says, “I think I can. Go lay face down on the couch.”

Socialized medicine is where the psychiatrist lays down on the couch with you.

Hypochondriac: Someone who takes different pills than you do.

Hospital bills now are divided into parts and labor.

If laughter was the best medicine doctors would find a way to charge for it.

Virus is a Latin word for your guess is as good as mine.

Costrophobia: Fear of rising drug prices.

We need a good affordable disease.

My artificial kidney got kidney stones.

Credit card disease: Spendicitus

Germs attack the weakest part of your body: the head.

Get well cards are so much fun people are trying to get sick.

Modern day prescriptions: take one pill as often as you can afford it.

Side effect of new wonder drugs: bankruptcy.

Say what you want about managed health care. It’s given us more ulcers.

America the land of 6 lane highways, one way streets and 4 way cold tablets.

Diet tranquilizer: you don’t lose weight, but you really don’t care.

We drink toasts to everyone elses health and ruin our own.

If you can’t cure it, insure it.

I caught the bouquet at a funeral.

Said by a man: %My health insurance policy only pays if I get pregnant.%

The latest managed care program was named after a pizza parlor: Shakees.

This managed care movement is picking up steam. That’s what happens when you’re going down hill.

Car dealers are your friends. They now have a new-car sickness pill. Take one before each payment.

If you don’t take some kind of pill your colleagues will think you’re over-confidant.

The country is picking up steam. Doctors are steamed, pharmaceutical companies are steamed, and the public is steamed.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who were arch rivals.

Podiatrists are good at thinking on your feet.

Sign in podiatrist’s office “Toe Zone.”

Podiatrists have a real foothold on the medical profession.

Thanks to the tremendous strides in medicine people are living longer. This gives them the extra time needed to pay their medical bills.

The doctor said to let him know how my prescription works because he’s having the same problem himself.

What’s the death rate? One to a person.

My inner child was adopted.

The new drugs are so exciting I feel like I’m missing something by being in good health.

Drug abuse used to be two doses of castor oil.

Some people only feel good when their pep pills forge ahead of their tranquilizers.

Researchers have developed a medication, which when taken under doctors orders guarantees not to make your cold any worse.

Penicillin has been called the “wonder drug” because any time the doctor wonders what you have, penicillin is what you get.

A lot of people who switched from cyclamates to saccharin got artificial diabetes.

To find out what your doctor recommends just watch TV. It’s a lot cheaper.

He that takes medicine and neglects diet wastes the skill of the physician.

A few weeks ago I was so run down I could barely spank the baby. After taking four bottles of your wonderful medicine, I can now thrash my husband in addition to my regular housework.

The nurse said “Don’t worry, the doctor has seen an operation exactly like yours on TV.”

It’s not habit forming. I know. I’ve been taking it for twelve years now.