10 New Rules For Life

scotch and water as flavored water
New flavored water, formerly known as Scotch and Water

10 new rules for life by Bill Maher shock the politically correct crowd again.

These excerpts from his popular book, New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, are funny because they’re too close to the truth

1. New rule about classmates.com calls out the whole friendship craze

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New rule about flavored water gives a new twist on enjoying water

There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

3. New rule about eyebrows tells women how men really think

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

4. New rule about teenagers won’t make parents happy

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

5. New rule about Starbucks orders for the so-called gourmet drinker

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” then you’re a huge idiot.

6. New rule about Chinese tattoos and the reality of having ink over your butt

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

7. New rule about the “sport” of competitive eating: really?

Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

8. New rule about gift registries gone way too far

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

9. New Rule about bathroom attendants who seem creepy hanging out in a washroom

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

10. New rule about toddler’s age from a guy who has other things to think about

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

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