Drinking Problem Checklist

You have a drinking problem when…

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -coincidence?? – I think not!
7. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
8. You’ve fallen and you can’t get up.
9. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
10. When you can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor…
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. The glass keeps missing your mouth!
16. Politicians start to make sense.
17. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
18. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
19. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
20. The shrubbery’s drunk too, from frequent watering.
21. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…
22. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
23. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
24. Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
25. Janet Reno looks good.
26. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
27. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
28. You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
29. I’m as jober as a sudge.
30. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.