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Now You Know The Secrets

Life’s Lessons

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to find the ones I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference between them.

Now that I am older, here’s what I have to share with you:

  1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
  3. I finally got my head together, but now my body is falling apart.
  4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
  5. All reports are in: life is officially unfair.
  6. If all is not lost, where is it?
  7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  8. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  9. It was all so different before everything changed.
  10. Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
  11. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  12. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few of them.
  13. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  14. Its not the pace of life that concerns me, but the sudden stop at the end.
  15. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
  16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when your in the bathroom.
  17. If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
  18. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  19. It’s not hard to meet expenses, I find them everywhere.
  20. The only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.

weddings versus funerals

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