Life Explained By 130 Truisms

Truisms: Perfect platitudes for these ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) times of Iphone overload. They empower and slice through the noise to deliver essential insights to you in seconds. No need for lengthy explanations anymore, simply enjoy and share these enduring sayings as you read them.

1. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
2. Allow me to introduce my selves.
3. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
4. Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
5. Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.
6. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
7. Chicken Little only has to be right once.
8. Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
9. Constipation is the thief of time. Diarrhea waits for no man.
10. Contemplating suicide, then drink French polish – Horrible death, beautiful finish
11. Dab yourself with honey and you’ll be covered with flies
12. Death is hereditary
13. Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down
14. Don’t make me mad I’m running out of places to hide the bodies
15. Don’t mark the spot where you bury the hatchet
16. Even bargains cost money
17. First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
18. Fish and visitors smell in three days.
19. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
20. Halitosis is better than no breath at all.
21. He made no friend who never made a foe.
22. Home is where the television is.
23. How will I know if I’m enlightened?
24. Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.
25. I am not young enough to know everything.
26. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
27. I couldn’t care less about apathy.
28. I didn’t believe in reincarnation the last time either.
29. I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
30. I think, therefore I am. I think.
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
33. I wouldn’t be paranoid if people didn’t pick on me.
34. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
35. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. If at first you don’t succeed, so much for sky-diving.
37. If at first you don’t succeed, try again – then give up, no sense in being a jerk about it.
38. If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.
39. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needs replacing anyway.
40. If there was any logic in this world, it would be men who ride side-saddle, not women.
41. If you explain something so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
42. If you keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don’t understand the problem.
43. If you never lie, you don’t have to remember anything.
44. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
45. If you want to walk the streets safely at night, carry a projector and slides from your last holiday.
46. If you wish to please people, you must begin by understanding them.
47. If you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it.
48. If you’re happy and you know it – see a shrink.
49. If you’re not confused, you’re misinformed.
50. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
51. In the long run, we are all dead.
52. It is better to live rich than to die rich.
53. It is difficult to win an argument when the other guy is not confused with the facts
54. It is impossible to make things foolproof – Fools are so ingenious
55. It takes two to make a marriage – A woman and her mother.
56. It’s difficult to explain to a mouse that black cats are lucky.
57. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not all out to get you.
58. Just think – maybe the Joneses’ are trying to keep up with you.
59. Keep the dream alive – Hit the snooze button
60. Laugh, and the world laughs with you – snore, and you snore alone
61. Life can be tragic – here today, here tomorrow.
62. Life is a hereditary disease.
63. Life is just one damned thing after another.
64. Life was a thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
65. Madness takes its toll. Please have the exact change.
66. Man is planned obsolescence.
67. Many believe what they experience they also understand
68. Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.
69. My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me after I’m dead.
70. My inferiority complex isn’t as good as yours.
71. Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists charge the rent.
72. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
73. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
74. Never let your studies interfere with your education.
75. Nihilism means nothing to me.
76. No family should ever attempt a car trip if the children outnumber the windows.
77. No good deed goes unpunished.
78. No one gets into trouble without his own help.
79. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
80. Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
81. Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
82. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
83. OK, so I’m cured of schizophrenia, but where am I now when I need me?
84. On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
85. One of the advantages of being disorderly is that you’re always making exciting discoveries.
86. Only the young die good.
87. Out of my mind – back in five minutes.
88. Owing to a lack of interest tomorrow has been canceled
89. Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be kept by understanding
90. Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
91. Predestination was doomed to failure from the start.
92. Procrastinate now!
93. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
94. Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
95. Racial prejudice: a pigment of the imagination.
96. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
97. Remember that opportunity is a dare – not a door.
98. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
99. Save energy – be apathetic.
100. Silence is better than unmeaning words.
101. Some day my ship will come in, and with my luck I’ll be at the airport.
102. Sterility is hereditary.
103. Stop the world, I want to get off.
104. The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
105. The day will happen whether or not you get up.
106. The golden age never was the present age.
107. The grass is always greener on the other fellow’s grave.
108. The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
109. The grass is brown on both sides of the fence.
110. The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
111. The hangman let us down.
112. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
113. The man who lives in the past, robs the present.
114. The most gratifying feature about death is that you won’t have to get up in the morning.
115. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
116. The only thing wrong with doing nothing is you never know when you’re finished.
117. The other line always moves faster.
118. The postman brings it – the garbageman takes it away
119. The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
120. The trouble with learning from experience is that the test comes first and the lesson after that
121. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
122. Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.
123. Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
124. Utopia: 1987 wages, 1932 prices, 1910 taxes.
125. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
126. Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
127. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
128. Wisdom is not knowing what to do now, but what to do next.
129. You can’t think rationally on an empty stomach, and a whole lot of people can’t do it on a full one either.
130. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.