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Investment Terms

investment terms explained

  • EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
  • EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
  • CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
  • CFO: corporate fraud officer.
  • NAV: normal Andersen valuation.
  • FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
  • P/E: parole entitlement.
  • EPS: eventual prison sentence.
  • BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  • BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  • MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
  • VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
  • P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
  • BROKER: What my broker has made me.
  • “BUY, BUY”: A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
  • STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
  • STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  • STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
  • FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
  • MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
  • CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  • YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $50 per share.
  • WINDOWS 10: What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought Yahoo at $50 per share.
  • INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
  • PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God
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