Late-night hosts have politicians to thank for their jobs. They say politics is serious business, but the words that come out of their mouths are oftentimes pure gold for comedians. These quotes prove politicians and humor go together like peanut butter and jelly. Here’s some political comedy that’ll leave you grinning like a Cheshire cat.
“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty’.” – Theodore Roosevelt
“Politicians are like diapers, they should be changed often, and for the same reasons.” – Robin Williams
“Politics is the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” – Ronald Reagan
“Don’t vote, it only encourages them.” – Billy Connolly
“I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.” – Charles de Gaulle
“If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.” – Emma Goldman
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.” – Groucho Marx
“In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
“The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood-sucking parasites’.” – Larry Hardiman
“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.” – Oscar Ameringer
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers
“A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.” – Winston Churchill
“The problem with political jokes is they get elected.” – Henry Cate VII
“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” – John Quinton
“It’s not the voting that’s democracy, it’s the counting.” – Tom Stoppard
“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.” – Tex Guinan
“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” – Woodrow Wilson
“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers
“I offer my opponents a bargain: If they will stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them.” – Adlai Stevenson
“Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.” – Author Unknown
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin
“A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.” – G. Gordon Liddy
“Behind every successful politician is an astonished woman.” – Maryon Pearson
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.” – Margaret Thatcher
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin
“Government is not the solution to our problem, government is the problem.” – Ronald Reagan
“I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.” – Will Rogers
“The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.” – Abraham Lincoln
“A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.” – H.L. Mencken
“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
“If you’re not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you’re not a conservative at forty you have no brain.” – Winston Churchill
“Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.” – Gore Vidal
“A politician is someone who promises to build a bridge even where there is no river.” – Nikita Khrushchev
“I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!” – Will Rogers
“I don’t always trust politicians, but when I do, it’s only because I know they’re lying.”
“Corrupt politicians are like a bad case of herpes – they just keep coming back, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them.”
“If ignorance is bliss, then corrupt politicians must be the happiest people on earth.”
“I’ve never met a politician who didn’t make me want to wash my hands after shaking theirs.”
“Some politicians are like vampires – they suck the life out of everything they touch, and they only come out at night.”
“Corrupt politicians are like bad dreams – you can’t get rid of them until you wake up and face reality.”
“When politicians make scandals, comedians make punchlines.”
“I never realized politics could be a comedy until I saw politicians trying to cover up their scandals.”
“Politicians love scandals because it’s their time to shine in the headlines, whether they like it or not.”
“I guess you could say political scandals are like snowflakes – each one is unique, but they’re all a mess when they hit the ground.”
“Political scandals are like bad haircuts – they’re embarrassing at first, but eventually, you just have to laugh it off.”
“The only things bipartisan in politics are the scandals and the eye rolls.”
“Political scandals are like bad tattoos – they’re permanent, regrettable, and always seem like a good idea at the time.”
“The circus of politics never stops; the clowns just change their makeup.”
“Politics: where opinions are strong, evidence is weak, and insults are plentiful.”
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