Elderly Job Application

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old retiree submitted to a company. They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY
$150,000 a year plus share options. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can negotiate.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY
A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING
It was a lousy job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE
Seven miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Oh yes, absolutely.