Comments You Will Never Hear In The Theater

What you will never hear a stage manager, producer, director, actor, designer, technical director, choreographer, or the stage crew say while at work in the theater.

On stage in the theater

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:

  • It looks as though there’ll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
  • Take your time getting back from break.
  • We’ve been ready for hours.
  • No, I called that perfectly the first time, let’s move on.
  • The headsets are working perfectly.
  • The cue lights are working perfectly.
  • The orchestra has no complaints.
  • The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..
  • That didn’t take long.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:

  • Of course there’s enough money to go around.
  • We have money left over.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.
during rehearsal argument

BY THE DIRECTOR:

  • Wow, the designers were right, weren’t they?
  • No, today is the tech rehearsal, we’ll re-work that scene later.
  • I think the scene changes are too fast.
  • Of course I think that we’ll be ready in time for opening.
  • The crew? Why they’re just wonderful!
  • That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.
  • Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.
  • This chair’s fine, thank you.
  • No we don’t need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.
  • Thank You.
  • We’ll use it as it is.
  • My round, are all the crew here?
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:

  • Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
  • Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.
  • You know, you might have a point there.
  • The director knows best, obviously I wasn’t giving him what he wanted.
  • We may have too many gel colors in stock, I can’t choose.
  • The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:

  • This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I’ve ever seen.
  • We built it right the first time.
  • No problem, I’ll deal with that right away.
  • I love designers.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE ACTOR:

  • Don’t…. Let’s not talk about me.
  • I really think my big scene should be cut.
  • This costume is so comfortable.
  • I love my shoes.
  • No problem, I can do that myself.
  • I have a fantastic agent.
  • Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
  • No, leave that spot where it is – I’ll walk into it.
  • I’m sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.
  • Without the crew the show would never run – let’s thank them.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:

  • There’s room for that over here.
  • We’ll get in early tomorrow to do it.
  • No, no, I’m sure that is our job.
  • Anything I can do to help?
  • All the tools are carefully locked away.
  • Can we do that scene change again, please?
  • It’s a marvelous show.
  • I don’t need this many on the crew.
  • I’m getting loads of sleep – everything’s going really well.
  • No thanks, I don’t drink.

BY THE ELECTRICS CREW

  • I must fix the light in the publicity office.
  • This equipment is far more complicated than we need.
  • Of course I can operate sound from here.
  • Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.
  • All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.
  • I’ll do that right away.
  • All the equipment is working perfectly.
  • No, please – take the last doughnut.
  • That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.
  • Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn’t it.
  • I have all the equipment I need, thanks.
  • No, honestly, it’s my round.
  • Thanks, but I don’t drink.

BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER

  • This floor’s fine.
  • Plenty warm enough, thank you.
  • Thank you.
  • The lights are spot on.
  • Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.
  • One dressing room’s fine.
  • The costumes are perfect.
  • The boom positions are fine.
  • The wing space is ample, really.

BY THE ORCHESTRA

  • Oh the pit’s fine; we don’t need all that space: you could have built a smaller pit.
  • No it’s alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don’t want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.
  • Could you turn these music stand lights down? They’re a bit too bright.
  • Of course we can play quieter.
  • The foldback is fine.

BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER

  • Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.

T-shirts for women making a statement

woman t-shirt

  1. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
  2. Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
  3. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  4. I hate everybody, and you’re next.
  5. And your point is…
  6. I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.
  7. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  8. Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
  9. Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
  10. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  11. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
  12. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
  13. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
  14. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
  15. All stressed out and no one to choke.
  16. I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  17. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  18. Sorry if I looked interested.
  19. I’m not. If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
  20. Sorry for being late. I was enjoying the last minutes of not being here.
  21. I can’t adult today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Letter To The IRS

Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay my taxes owed April 15, due to following reasons.

I have already paid these taxes:

taxpayer looking at huge tax bill
Taxes- OMG
  • accounts receivable tax
  • building permit tax
  • CDL tax
  • cigarette tax
  • corporate income tax
  • dog license tax
  • federal income tax
  • unemployment tax
  • gasoline tax
  • hunting license tax
  • fishing license tax
  • waterfowl stamp tax
  • inheritance tax
  • inventory tax
  • liquor tax
  • luxury tax
  • medicare tax
  • city tax
  • school tax
  • county property tax
  • real estate tax
  • social security tax
  • road usage tax
  • toll road tax
  • state tax
  • city sales tax
  • recreational vehicle tax
  • state franchise tax
  • state unemployment tax
  • telephone federal excise tax
  • telephone federal state and local surcharge tax
  • telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
  • telephone state and local tax
  • utility tax
  • vehicle license registration tax
  • capital gains tax
  • lease severance tax
  • oil and gas assessment tax
  • Colorado property tax
  • Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax
  • many more taxes that I can’t recall but I have run out of space and money

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake.

Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmens Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your ex-boss Timothy Geithner.

No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Fred Williams
Denver, Colorado