T-shirts for women making a statement

woman t-shirt

  1. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
  2. Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
  3. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  4. I hate everybody, and you’re next.
  5. And your point is…
  6. I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.
  7. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  8. Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
  9. Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
  10. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  11. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
  12. You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
  13. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
  14. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
  15. All stressed out and no one to choke.
  16. I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  17. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  18. Sorry if I looked interested.
  19. I’m not. If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
  20. Sorry for being late. I was enjoying the last minutes of not being here.
  21. I can’t adult today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Letter To The IRS

Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay my taxes owed April 15, due to following reasons.

I have already paid these taxes:

taxpayer looking at huge tax bill
Taxes- OMG
  • accounts receivable tax
  • building permit tax
  • CDL tax
  • cigarette tax
  • corporate income tax
  • dog license tax
  • federal income tax
  • unemployment tax
  • gasoline tax
  • hunting license tax
  • fishing license tax
  • waterfowl stamp tax
  • inheritance tax
  • inventory tax
  • liquor tax
  • luxury tax
  • medicare tax
  • city tax
  • school tax
  • county property tax
  • real estate tax
  • social security tax
  • road usage tax
  • toll road tax
  • state tax
  • city sales tax
  • recreational vehicle tax
  • state franchise tax
  • state unemployment tax
  • telephone federal excise tax
  • telephone federal state and local surcharge tax
  • telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
  • telephone state and local tax
  • utility tax
  • vehicle license registration tax
  • capital gains tax
  • lease severance tax
  • oil and gas assessment tax
  • Colorado property tax
  • Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax
  • many more taxes that I can’t recall but I have run out of space and money

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake.

Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmens Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your ex-boss Timothy Geithner.

No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Fred Williams
Denver, Colorado

Funny Rant on Tailgating

If you tailgate you are still number two. Common sense tips on tailgating.

To the guy who tailgated me for 20 miles this morning

I get it. You wanted to go faster, and given that you drive a Mitsubishi Lancer maybe you are under the impression that you are fast and/or furious. I’m the guy who was in front of you for 20 miles from Alpine Junction to Ithaca, driving at various speeds with the constant being that you were so close to my rear end it felt like I was trapped in a changing room with Richard Simmons.

We met at 61 mph, a nice speed for Route 13 — fast enough to not take forever and slow enough to go unremarked by the many police who patrol that road. You were unsatisfied and expressed it by staying a cool 5 feet off my bumper. I slowed down gradually to 55 mph. This was one of several opportunities to pass me, but you just slowed down too and stayed back there like you wanted to turn on a Sting album and spoon me. So I sped up again hoping that you’d get the message and let me keep the distance I had won between us…but no, you are a jealous sharer of the road, Mitsubishi Lancer. You caught up. For 10 more miles we were like cellmates and you tried to make me your bitch, but all you succeeded in doing was going 13 miles an hour slower than when you started tailgating me. How did that work out for you?

Coming down the hill into Ithaca I sped up again, figuring you’d been punished enough. So when you tried to give me the Sneaky Pete again, I admit I lost my cool and touched the brake for the first time. I hope you spilled your coffee on what I imagine were your Faded Glory pleated khaki pants. Then, in the two-lane road in town you didn’t go around. You proceeded to follow me all the way to my parking place before giving me a look and going on your way to, I assume, the DMV where you work.

I offer you these common sense tips:

  1. Tailgating is a dick move, and it’s even more of a dick move if the guy in front of you is already well above the speed limit on a well-patrolled road.
  2. If you are tailgating someone and they slow down, that’s your cue to pass and if you can’t pass, well then screw you because you are being a dick anyway.
  3. It actually makes sense to leave some distance for you too. Have you seen all the deer carcasses on the road? That’s because cars hit them. If a deer jumps in front of me and I have to slam on the brakes, I don’t want you crashing into me. Based on your body, your reaction time is only fast in World of Warcraft.