18 Funny New Year’s Resolutions

new year eve champagne

A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Anonymous

This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
– Melanie White

Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
– Jay Leno

My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
– Melanie White

Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
– Jake Vig

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
– Bridger Winegar

I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.
– Melanie White

Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
– Melanie White

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
– Bill Vaughan

This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
– Melanie White

May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight.
– Damien Fahey

Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
– Just Bill

My New Years resolution is to try to remember why I’ve walked into a room.
– Rodney Lacroix

I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.
– John Lyon

My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
– Melanie White

Miami asks residents not to celebrate New Year by shooting into the air, because the bullets will come back down.
– Dave Barry

As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
– Dave Barry

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
– Joey Adams

20 funny quotes for the day

vintage crows

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
–George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the heck she is.
–Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
–Rita Rudner

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
–Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
–Jay Leno

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
–Dave Edison

Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
–Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
–Oscar Wilde

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
–Dave Barry

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
–A. Whitney Brown

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”
–Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
–Jeff Stilson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
–Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
–Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
–Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
–Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
–Lily Tomlin

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
–Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
–Jerry Seinfeld

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’
–Richard Jeni

Traffic cop quotes

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”