Amazing Remedies

Humorous solutions to everyday problems.

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

25 one-line jokes by comedians

comedian

  1. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
    George Carlin
  2. Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
    Roseanne
  3. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
    Billy Crystal
  4. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?”
    Larry Miller
  5. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
    Dave Barry
  6. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
    Jay Leno
  7. I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.
    Bill Cosby
  8. In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?
    Jay Leno
  9. My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
    Tim Allen
  10. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
    Phyllis Diller
  11. There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
    Jay Leno
  12. When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
    Elayne Boosler
  13. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”
    Jerry Seinfield
  14. Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
    Tim Allen
  15. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
    Joan Rivers
  16. A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes.So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning: We’re government workers!
    Jay Leno
  17. Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
    Tim Allen
  18. Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code…..he turned himself in.
    Rita Rudner
  19. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
    George Carlin
  20. That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
    Bill Cosby
  21. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor
  22. When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
    Steven Wright
  23. After making love I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”
    Gary Shandling
  24. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
    Lewis Grizzard
  25. The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
    Jeff Foxworthy

Ten funny one-liners about weddings and marriage

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except ‘Tied to the Whipping Post’.

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
A: They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.

Q: What’s long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
A: A last name.

Q: How is marriage like a hot bath?
A: Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose:
A: Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.

Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
A: Call her/him on the telephone.