Hero Goes To Heaven

Man has enough guts to take on motorcycle gang molesting a woman.

hero fist

A man dies and appears at The Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit? Have you exhibited courage?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers.

“Once I came upon a group of bikers who were bothering a young woman.

I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.

So I approached the largest and meanest looking one.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.

Then I told him, now get out of here.”

St. Peter was visibly impressed.

“When did this happen?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”

Senior Visits Doctor For Medical Checkup

Funny quotes flash presentation.

medical checkup

Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup.

“Everything is fine,” said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.”

“For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80?”

“Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?”

“No,” Sam replied.

“Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?”

“No,” said Sam. “I am very careful about what I eat.”

“How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing?

“No,” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?

How Going To Church Is Like A Football Game

Could attending church be described by a football announcer?.

 football game

Quarterback Sneak – Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play – What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.

Two-minute Warning – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

Sudden Death – What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime”.

Trap – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run – Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense – The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.