Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
Calling themselves the CEO-nistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town’s 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEO-nistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado’s population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its’ under-performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.
“First of all, they’re very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting,” said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. “And every time we yell ‘Stop in the name of the shareholders!’ they refer us to investor relations. I’ve been on the phone all damn morning.”
“YOU’LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!”
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive weakness. Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor,” said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. “It was like moths to a flame.”
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEO-nistas. “Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails,” said Lewis, “but occasionally we’ll pick up someone saying, ‘I was totally out of the loop on that.'”
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. “She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms,” said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing.
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEO-nistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. “No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport,” she said. “They’re rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sales event.”