20 funny quotes for the day

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
–George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the heck she is.
–Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
–Rita Rudner

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.
–Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”
–Jay Leno

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
–Dave Edison

Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
–Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
–Oscar Wilde

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
–Dave Barry

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
–A. Whitney Brown

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.”
–Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
–Jeff Stilson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
–Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?
–Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
–Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.
–Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
–Lily Tomlin

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
–Robin Williams

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
–Jerry Seinfeld

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’
–Richard Jeni