18 Funny New Year’s Resolutions

new year eve champagne

A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Anonymous

This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
– Melanie White

Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
– Jay Leno

My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
– Melanie White

Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
– Jake Vig

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
– Bridger Winegar

I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.
– Melanie White

Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
– Melanie White

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
– Bill Vaughan

This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
– Melanie White

May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight.
– Damien Fahey

Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
– Just Bill

My New Years resolution is to try to remember why I’ve walked into a room.
– Rodney Lacroix

I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.
– John Lyon

My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
– Melanie White

Miami asks residents not to celebrate New Year by shooting into the air, because the bullets will come back down.
– Dave Barry

As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
– Dave Barry

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
– Joey Adams