- Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
- Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught – your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
- Messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your work-space. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
- Voice Mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
- Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza of ‘Seinfeld’, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
- Appear to Work Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 pm, 7:05 am, etc…) and during public holidays.
- Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
- Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc… Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
- Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
- Most Importantly
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
A cowboy was out one day, riding the range, when he was captured by Indians. They dragged him back to their encampment and the chief approached him and said,
“You die in three days white man, but we fair people. We give you one wish each day, then on third day, you die, understand?…Now, what your first wish?”
The cowboy thought a moment and said, “I want to speak to my horse.” So they brought him his horse.
The cowboy walked over to it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered something to it. Then he slapped it on the butt and it took off.
In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked blonde. The blonde hopped off and went into the cowboy’s tent.
The Indians sat around and watched all this and said, “Typical white man. Going to die in three days, can only think of one thing.”
The next night they bring him out and the chief says, “You die day after tomorrow, white man. What’s your next wish?”
The cowboy said, “I wanna see my horse again.”
So, again, they brought him his horse. He walked up to it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered to it again. Then he slapped it on the butt and it took off.
In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked brunette. She jumped down and went into the cowboy’s tent.
The Indians again said, “Typical white man. Going to die tomorrow, can only think of one thing.”
On the third day they brought him out again. The chief came to him and said, “You die at sunset, white man. What’s your last wish?”
The cowboy took a deep breath and said, “I wanna see my horse.”
So they once again brought him his horse. He walked up to it again, but this time grabbed it hard by both ears. He leaned right in its face and said, “Read my lips! POSSE!! P-O-S-S-E, POSSE!!”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial: a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you ask her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought.
It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight – lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass, which tasted great.
“What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.
“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It has carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”
He couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots: they were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It has lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.”
The lettuce tasted just as good, and he returned later completely full.
“It’s fantastic out here in the world!” he told them.
“So, are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised: “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” the lab rabbit said, “but I must get back to the lab: I’m just dying for a cigarette.”
“I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress,” from a quote attributed to John Adams in the play 1776.
A lawyer is a man who helps you get what’s coming to him.
A lawyer is someone who prevents somebody else from getting your money.
I’ve got a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and in less than a minute tell you whether it’s oral or written.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was in favor of the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately tweeted his client, reading “Justice has triumphed!” The client tweeted back, “Appeal at once!”
Q. What happens when you cross a Mafia don with a lawyer?
A. You have someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand!
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?
A: When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer’s funeral. “Here’s a hundred,” he said. “Bury 10 of ‘em.”
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer lying on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey had first choice.
Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear?” It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?