30 Alternative Daily Affirmations

woman walking on beach

Daily Affirmations For The Real World

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome, as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner sociopath.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute: I’ll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are the fault of someone else.

In some cultures I would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those self-righteous people around me.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step: blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

Now maybe you will feel better about bringing these inner hidden daily affirmations out into the open, because everyone else lives by them also.

How To Thrive In College

students in class

Unwritten ways to thrive in college

Depends on how you define “thrive”

Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

Enjoy being a sophomore: it will be the best three years of your life.

Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into a lucrative “home pharmaceuticals” business.

If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

Boring lecture? Bring your headsets.

College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

“I Phelta Thi” is not a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

Football games were never meant to be attended in a sober frame of mind.

Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor – think of it as “acing biology.”

In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

Of course, your parents may not believe this is the right way to thrive in college, because a job will not await you if you follow this guideline.

That is, even if you finish college at all like Bill Gates or Richard Branson.

25 Practical Jokes In A Store

guys laying down at checkout counter

Some people never mature

This list of 25 practical jokes should never be attempted in a store, but despite warnings, some idiots will do them.

  1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
  2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
  3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
  4. Start playing video games in the electronics section and see how many people will join you.
  5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
  6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
  7. Leave cryptic messages on the computers.
  8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
  9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles.
  10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” to see what happens.
  11. Tune all the stereos to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10″.
  12. Play with the automatic doors.
  13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!” See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
  14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap, anyway?”
  15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
  16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
  17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
  18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
  19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow! Magic!”
  20. Put candy bars on the layaway plan.
  21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
  22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows.
  23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
  24. Ask other customers if they have any spare change.
  25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “I’m Batman. Come, Robin, let’s go to the Batcave!”

If you try these dumb practical jokes in public, you deserve to go to jail without parole!

Embarrassing Moment For Woman

woman in restaurant

What does a young woman say if she accidentally passes gas in a crowded restaurant?

One evening, a beautiful young woman sat in a restaurant while waiting casually for her date to arrive.

Not wanting to take any chances, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him.

The young woman bent over in her chair to get a make-up mirror from her purse.

Just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally passes gas quite loudly.

The young woman immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, because she was convinced that everyone in the crowded restaurant had heard her indiscreet act.

She turns quickly to the waiter and says to him, “Stop That!”

The waiter looks at her and calmly replies, “Sure miss. Which way was it headed?”

College Course Evaluation

students at computer terminals

Comments on college courses

Maybe the college and instructors did not like these course evaluations of their classes, but many students tell it like is even if the truth can be painful.

See with how many of the course evaluations you agree with.

The textbook is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.

The instructor talks like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.

In my class, the syllabus is more important than you are.

Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!

The textbook makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.

The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.

The teacher’s blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.

Textbook is confusing – someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.

Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That’s the way I felt all term.

This class was a religious experience for me: I had to take it all on faith.

The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.

Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.

Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing–It’s a great stress reliever.

He is one of the best teachers I have had. He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don’t hurt his chances of getting tenure.

I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They’ve got a cool nest in the tree.

The absolute value of the teaching assistant was less than epsilon.

The teaching assistant steadily improved throughout the course. I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up.

Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions – no way to stop it.

I never bought the textbook. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.

What’s the quality of the textbook? It’s printed on high quality paper.

The course was very thorough. What wasn’t covered in class was covered on the final exam.