Encrypted Employee Evaluation

employee evaluation

Be sure to read this employee evaluation through to the bottom.

  1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
  2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
  3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
  4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
  5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
  6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
  7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
  8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
  9. knowledge of his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
  10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
  11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
  12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
  13. executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I was writing his employee evaluation.

Kindly read the report again and pay attention only to the odd-numbered lines.

Funny Epitaphs

funny epitaph

Epitaphs for the most part have a loving and serious message.

Some gravestones though have funny epitaphs as a parting thought.

The following is a list of some gems.

~ MERV GRIFFIN ~
I will not be right back
After this message
July 6, 1925 – August 12, 2007

I made a lot of deals in my lifetime
But I sure went in the hole on this one!
Grave marker in Covington, Virginia

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
He stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
In memory of a car accident as seen in Uniontown, Pennsylvania

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go
Gravestone found in a Thurmont, Maryland Cemetery

It was a cough
That carried him off
It was a coffin
They carried him off in

Here lies
~ JOHN D. CUDD, DMD ~
Filling his last cavity

I told you I was sick
Tombstone in Round Rock,Texas

~ TRUMBELL, JOHN E. ~
1867-1946
The defense rests
Written on an attorney’s tombstone

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More
Lester Moore was a Wells Fargo Co. station agent stationed in Naco, Arizona during the days of the Wild West. He rests in the Boot Hill Cemetery of Tombstone, Arizona.

~ JEDEDIAH GOODWIN ~
Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going! Going!! Gone!!! 1876

Open’d my eyes
Took a peep
Didn’t like it
Went back to sleep
On a tombstone of a newborn in Ashby de la Zooch, England

~ MARGARET DANIELS ~
She always said her feet were killing her
But nobody believed her
On a grave at Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, Virginia

On the 22nd of June
~ JONATHAN FIDDLE ~
Went out of tune
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England

~ ANN MANN ~
Here lies Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann
Dec. 8, 1767
Headstone found in a London, England Cemetery

Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me for not rising
Whimsical ending as written on tombstone in a Ruidoso, N.M. Cemetery

~ ANNA HEPEWELL ~
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go
A marker in Enosburg Falls, Vermont

Here lies EZEKIAL AIKLE
Age 102
The Good Die Young
Funny epitaph on a headstone in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia

Here lies,
All cold and hard
The last damn dog
That pooped in my yard

~ HARRY EDSEL SMITH ~
Born 1903 – Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car
Was on the way down. It was

Here lays Butch
We planted him raw
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw
A last tribute for a gunslinger in Silver City, Nevada

~ SIR JOHN STRANGE ~
Here lies an honest lawyer
And that is strange
Humorous lawyer’s epitaph in England

Beneath this stone
My wife doth lie
Now she’s at rest
And so am I

Hi!
Stay high!
Bye!
A tombstone in Hookstown, Pennsylvania featuring an etching of a marijuana plant

Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim
We made the mistake
But the joke’s on him

I was Carolina born
And Carolina bred
And here I lay
Carolina dead
On a headstone at a Chapel Cemetery in Carolina

~ BILL BLAKE ~
Was hanged by mistake

Here Lies Joyce
She’d rather not
But has no choice

~ ARABELLA YOUNG – 1771 ~
Here lies as silent clay
Miss Arabella Young.
Who on the 21st of May,
Began to hold her tongue
Cemetery in Hatfield, Massachusetts

Grim death took me
Without any warning
I was well at night
And dead in the morning
Funny epitaph on a headstone in Kent, England

He looked
For gold
And died of
Lead poison

Here lies the bones of Private Jones
For whom War held no terrors
A private then, a private now
No runs, No hits, Just errors

~ ELLEN SHANNON ~
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
By the explosion of a lamp
Filled with R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid
Gravestone in Girard, Pennsylvania

~ JOHN PENNY ~
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4-feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny
Wimborne, England Cemetery funny epitaph

Juan The Smuggler

Juan the smuggler

Juan the smuggler comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He has two large bags over his shoulders.

The border guard stops him and asks, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” Juan calmly said.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand, just as Juan told him at first.

He detains Juan overnight and carefully analyzes  the sand for anything illegal, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the innocent man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.

The guard asks again, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan the smuggler.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and the Mexican crosses the border on his bicycle.

The crossings repeats itself every day for three years.

Finally, Juan the smuggler doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you were smuggling something and it’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. Just between us, what were you smuggling?”

Juan the smuggler sips his beer and reveals his secret: “Bicycles.”