Jamaican Tourist In Australia

Jamaican tourist in Australian bar

Jamaican tourist gets his revenge on a local Australian

A Jamaican tourist was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a Australian café when an local Australian, chewing gum, sat next to him.

The Jamaican politely ignored the Australian, who, started up a conversation anyway.

The Australian snapped his gum and said, “You Jamaican folks eat the whole bread?”

The Jamaican tourist, frowned by being interrupted during his breakfast, said, “Of course.”

The Aussie blew a huge bubble.

“We don’t. In Australia, we only eat what’s inside.

The crusts we collect, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and send them to Jamaica.”

The Australian had a smirk on his face.

The Jamaican tourist just listened in silence.

The Australian persisted in continuing the conversation.

“D’ya eat jam with the bread?”

Sighing, the Jamaican replied, “Of course.”

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the local Aussie said, “We don’t. In Australia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell them to the Jamaicans.”

The Jamaican tourist then asked the Australian, “Do you have sex in Australia?”

The Aussie smiled and said, “Why of course we do.”

The Jamaican leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

“We throw them away, of course,” says the Australian.

Now it was the Jamaican’s turn to smile.

“We don’t. In Jamaica, we recycle them, we put them in a container, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australian.

Why do you think the gum is called Wrigleys?”

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/top_rated/week#ixzz2zf8zYmhs

Bank Robber Blunders

bank robbers at ATM

Lessons From Idiot Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are “unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,” committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don’t know the first thing about their business.

The following list of moronic moves was part of an amusing article titled “How Not to Rob a Bank,” by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmer’s Almanac 2014

Clark reported that despite the widespread use of security camera systems, 76 percent of bank robbers used no disguise, 86 percent never studied the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent made no long-range plans for hiding their loot.

He offered these bullet points of advice to amateur bank robbers; along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren’t followed:

  • Pick the right bank
    Clark advises that you don’t follow the lead of the dumb bank robber in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don’t want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
  • Approach the right teller
    Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the stupid crook out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
  • Don’t sign your demand note
    Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of a bank robber in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber’s signature and account number.
  • Beware of dangerous vegetables
    A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his “weapon.”
  • Avoid being fussy
    A bank robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, “I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope.” The teller said, “All I’ve got is two twenties.” The thief took them and left.
  • Don’t advertise
    A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
  • Take right turns only
    Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
  • Provide your own transportation
    It is not clever to borrow the teller’s car, because she carefully described the vehicle to the police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
  • Don’t be too sensitive
    In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, and not to mention severe burns in sensitive places–as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
  • Consider another line of work
    This criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
  • Robbery can lead to death
    One nervous Newport, R.I., bank robber, while trying to stuff his stolen money into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

The amazing powers of a magic frog

magic frog as rainbow

Who Is The Magic Frog?

See if you can guess who this amazing frog really is.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.”

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a magic frog, eh?

The frog replys, “Ribbit Lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?” the man asks.

“Ribbit 3 wood.”

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?”

The magic frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.”

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?”

The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.”

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?”

The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the magic frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me.”

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the magic frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”

“So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

Mistakes We All Make

erase our mistakes
Have you been guilty of these mistakes?

Welcome to the club, because everyone has committed these minor mistakes.

  • You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
  • The radio station doesn’t tell you who sung that last song.
  • You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom door knob to get out.
  • People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
  • Your glasses slide off your ears when you sweat.
  • You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
  • You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
  • You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it.
  • You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
  • You hear a snippet of a song when passing a shop, and now you can’t get it out of your head.
  • Someone honks their horn at you when you’re walking down road, and you have no idea who they were.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head

Mr and Mrs Potato Head

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head Fable

Forget the traditional Potato Head story: here is an uncensored tale about a young potato head getting a lesson on the facts of life from her Mr. & Mrs. Potato parents.

Read it and enjoy!

You know that all potatoes have eyes.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one: a real sweet potato whom they called “Yam.

They wanted the best for little Yam by telling their daughter about the facts of life.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head warned her about going out and getting half-baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, or ending up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

The daughter said don’t fret, because no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!

But she also said that she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

The young potato head would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato advised she should watch out for Indians of the old “Wild West,” because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to “Idaho P.U.”

P.U. stands for  Potato University where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she’ d really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Rush Limbaugh.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato fainted, because they said she couldn’t marry him because he’s just a commontater!